Day 4

The 4th day started slow; or rather, I did.

One of those hazy, comfy clouds when time passes by unnoticed.
Waking up at 3pm I was already 2 hours late to my friend.
I knew she was mad.
I had just cancelled yesterday and now I didn't show up.
Just like the old days; but this time I was gonna change the pattern.

Headed out eventually, couldn't be rushed.
Also couldn't be stopped from going shooting at the lake.
Go there at about 5.30, maybe, definitely starved, frozen and shaking.
Jumped on the sugar.
Meeting went very nice, I was feeling good about good stuff, left happy.
Still comfy, repeatedly hungry, physically OK.

Home around 8.
After the usual evening I started to go faint and light-headed and hungry and dizzy.
I ate and lay down, my mind was tired and my body aching.
The first heavy symptoms came very soon and abruptly.
I noticed my heartrate hiking up violently and at the same time was taken aback by the sensation that it was not beating in the usual place anymore.
My chest was numb and motionless, but my head was pounding at the exact pace of my heartbeat, like the two organs had swapped places.
The pumping effect was enhanced by the symultaneously heard throbbing in my ears; it was overwhelming.

I couldn't feel anything else about my body.
That was the thing I noticed that my breathing has stopped.
I fought to breath, focusing on the muscles that should be doing that work - and it was agony.
Scared I wasn't: didn't have a chance to think about fears.
I had to survive.
That was when I actually felt that something was happening, and it was happening in my brean.
Like the chemical (im)balance of stuff is being changed and I could feel it.

Horrifying.

Arriving at the start of the cycle.
When I notice I'm breathless, start over.
The cycle and the robbing within together were like our planet: it revolves around itself while being on an orbit.

Dizzifying.

Time to time I had to open my eyes so that some of the circulating goes away, but I couldn't get a hard grip on my surroundings.
The room continued its orbit soon, and it seemed wiser to have the eyes closed.
I felt nauseous, kept hydrating when I could and later I also ate something, I guess.

I was desperate to find the Lorezapam.
Then the nerve tonic I knew I had given back.
Couldn't think if I had the rescue remedy.
Didn't find anything to calm down with.
Vitamins and painkillers meant nothing, I did some more fish oil.

I assume I lit up, too; I seem to be doing that all the time now.
would be worthwile to start counting - or just the oppsite: did it just lose sense?
Cutting back on the nicotine, that's good.
Not watching the caffeine, though, is a bad idea, since it does kick the blood pressure in the butt.
Have to cut back to a max of 3 coffees a day.

That's how I must have fallen asleep around midnight perhaps: hanging on to dear life and hoping for the best.

I probably excreted another litre or so of sweat during the night.

Couldn't remember any dreams this morning, but I didn't mind at all.
This is pretty much enough to deal with right now.

Day 5

Woke up damn early, I saw dusk turning into dawn once again.

Shaky stomach, no other immediate symptoms.
Inhalation, quick breakfast, two eggs on toast.
One coffee before, one during the meal, then off to the long-awaited yoga class.
Water, as dehydration is physically felt.

The class was intense, exactly how I like my yoga.
Mo made us wake up for sure, we did some power-yoga for about 40 minutes before the first rest.
I and my body both truly loved it, and my spirit couldn't help but join.
Then the muscles started to crash.
Actually, I had noticed quick jerky movements in the morning, at times my muscles just made uncontrolled movements, like last night.
Now they were strained, under pressure and weren't quite up for the task.
When we came to positions that combined power with balance, I was struggling a great deal to keep up.
Couldn't find my balance as I was unable to focus on one point ahead of me: my attention was bouncing off the walls and the mirrors, suddenly my mind was boggled and my spatial orientation was not even a memory.

Unanchored, my ship was shown around at the mercy of the waves.
Mo had noted before that I was hypomotive [?], now there was no doubt about that.
But refusing to give up, the efforts eventually yielded the desired position in each case.

Sweating profusely from minute 1, I could hardly wait to lay down, even the sitting exercises required great concentration and awareness.
All in all I was able to keep up with the class and perform at top, but I was working pretty fucking hard as if my life depended on it.

I knew why I was there.

My body was being relaxed gradually, except for my upper back and neck area, especially between the shoulderblades.
Kept drinking water, I couldn't have possibly gotten thru without it.
Smart move, should remember that. Even now I'm feeling like a dried-up and empty pot.
Meditation was wonderful, and gave me a chance to work it all out from my spine.
I used a block to make my back arch back as I lay, going up and down on my spine like a an elevator that's stopping on each floor and making hangs out a while to see if anyone wants a ride that is virually taking the stairs without a workout, in a box.

At the end of the class I wasn't quite ready to go out on the street, however nice the day seemed...